Let's Talk About Mentorship

       Women looking for advice and help in their homes and relationships is nothing new.  While today we may go on social media and follow influencers or ask questions in a group of strangers who share a common interest, there have always been ways that women sought the advice and teaching of older women.  Even if we don’t realize it, we are searching for guidance.  This search led to the growth of women’s magazines and advice columns.  While the media has changed over time, the themes have not.  Women want to know how to express their love to their husbands, how to care for children, how to get stains out of fabric, how to keep their floors clean, and how to have an edible dinner on the table at a reasonable hour every night.  Some seek insight into balancing life and work.  Other women are seeking excuses not to care for their household or how to find help shouldering the load of responsibility.  Women are often expected to know exactly what to do and how to do it when they get married or have a baby.  The truth is, even the most well-trained woman is initially nervous and overwhelmed by the responsibility wrapped up in a soft blanket crying for their attention.  God designed us to live in community.  Age and experience bring wisdom.  Titus 2:3-5 says, “Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”  What exactly goes into being a “worker at home”?  What is required to keep your home?  What is the standard for your housekeeping?  The answers will vary with each family and individual, but will also have some common threads.

Women need to have other women as friends.  You should not just be friends with others of a similar age and stage of life.  Older women are to be teaching younger women.  This means younger women and older women must interact and speak to one another.  If you have little girls, nieces, or young ladies in your church younger than you, you are an older woman.  Likewise, there are several much older women who are now grandmothers and great-grandmothers who can offer young and even “seasoned” mothers help and advice.  Growing older doesn’t mean stepping back.  One of my favorite books on this topic is Spiritual Mothering by Susan Hunt.  This book has a great explanation of how we can all be both learning from someone and teaching someone at every age and stage of adult life.  However, before you jump into helping or mentoring someone else, be sure you are in the right place.  The older women teaching are to be reverent, not slanderers, and not loving wine.  If you like to party it up and need wine to relax each evening, you may need some help yourself before you are ready to teach others. Maybe you know you are overwhelmed by all of your home and family responsibilities and can’t possibly contemplate helping someone else.  Start by seeking out an older, godly woman in your church who can teach you.  It doesn’t have to be a big, formal meeting or therapy.  Just ask if she would be able to come over and chat for a bit one morning a month.  While you chat, ask her questions about child-rearing, cleaning, etc.  If you know she is skilled at something in particular, ask her to teach you as well.  This doesn’t have to be a lot of additional work for either person, just become friends across generations.  Take the time to listen to what those who have gone before you have to say.  Once you see improvement in yourself, seek to pass on the wisdom and experience you have received to another young lady growing up into womanhood.  If you are a mom, you have a definite responsibility to your daughters.  They are not only watching your example, but they should also be learning from your instruction.  Take every opportunity to include them and instruct them in the daily tasks of keeping your home, caring for other children, and God’s Word.  I have enjoyed having a weekly Bible Study with my teen daughter.  It is a great time to not only hear her thoughts about what she is reading, but also to give her direct instruction in God’s Word.

You would think that loving husbands and children would be easy, that it would come naturally, but it doesn’t always work that way.  Being self-controlled and submissive to your husband is not something the American culture values or teaches.  However, this is what we are to be teaching younger women.  Many times, women are coming from homes where these values are not taught or modeled.  They need extra patience and instruction as they learn exactly what this means and what this looks like.  Teaching younger women can be as simple as letting them into your home to observe how you do things.  It could also mean a bit of extra commitment on your part as you come to observe their home, help where needed, and make suggestions for growth and improvement.  Care for their souls to help them learn to care for their homes.  They must learn how to schedule time with the Lord, even amidst a busy schedule with multiple children needing their attention.  When they have a good relationship with the Lord and with their family, that will go far in helping them keep their home well and ensure “that the word of God may not be reviled”.

Not only do women need to learn to have good, God-honoring relationships, but you need to be “working at home”.  This involves several aspects.  I believe this includes keeping a tidy, clean home, as well as preparing food for family and guests, caring for children, and, if you homeschool, overseeing their education.  Clean and tidy can be relative terms depending on each individual.  Some people are comfortable with washing windows once a year, but others couldn’t fathom cleaning windows less than once a week.  I think cleanliness is important; however, your schedule has to work for you and your family.  If you don’t mind some toys scattered around, at least have your kids pick them up before bedtime.  If you have trouble fitting in all of the chores along with all of the school work, enlist your children to complete age-appropriate tasks.  It is important for them to learn essential life skills.  Even toddlers can learn to pick up toys and put them in a bin.  They may not always put it in the same bin, but they can learn to put it somewhere up off the floor.  Preschoolers are like shadows, they love to see what you are doing and how.  Let them help load the washing machine or fold towels or dishcloths.  As they get older, they can be expected to do more and complete tasks independently.  Model for them a clean home.  Show them that a tidy home puts others at ease and creates a welcoming environment for guests.  It is great to know your home is well maintained so that you can easily invite someone over without worrying about a frantic clean-up.  This isn’t to say that you have to have your home guest ready all the time.  If you’ve just had a baby, surgery, or a death in the family, or life is just overwhelming, it’s okay to allow other women to come alongside you and help.  Some may offer help with cleaning and/or cooking while you are recovering and adjusting.  Allow them to serve you in your times of need.  Likewise, be willing to help others who are in need.  Use your strengths to meet their needs.  While it is common to have a schedule of meals provided for a family with a new baby, you may not be excellent in the kitchen or have the money to feed an extra family.  I’m sure a new mom would welcome some help with dishes or housecleaning, especially if she had to have surgery and was unable to do some of those tasks.  You don’t have to excel at everything, but you should use your gifts to help others in their need.  Be creative, loving, and kind, and you will find a way to help.  

While Facebook groups and YouTube have a lot to offer by way of stain removal and recipes, you will not find true community with a group of strangers.  Seek out Godly women that you can grow with and learn from.  Look for women who are willing to be with you even in the difficult or ugly times.  Look for older women who have been through varied experiences and have kept their faith through it all.  Seek out strong believers whose adult children are walking with the Lord as well.  Ask to watch how they live, clean, and keep their faith in all circumstances.  Ask them to come and chat with you about life and living through the great moments and the not-so-great moments.  Ask if they will come to your home and get to know you.  Ask if they will be honest in suggestions and help for how you can better love your husband, children, and keep your home.  Appreciate the wisdom and balance multigenerational relationships bring.  Not only should you be learning, but also seek to pass on what you have learned.  As you grow in maturity, teach your daughters and other young ladies that God brings in your path.  As you age, remember that as long as God has you on this earth, your job is not done.