Marriage

The focus of the engagement is often spent on planning the wedding.  Many couples forget that they are planning for more than just one day.  They have a life together after they say, "I do."  The early days of marriage are often looked at rather idealistically without considering all the adjustments that are needed as two become one.  While that is an immediate reality, it is also something that takes a lot of time and communication.

Expectations should be discussed both before marriage as well as during that first year.  There may be some things you unconsciously expect of your husband that he does not know about.  For example, who do you think should take out the trash, mow the lawn, make dinner, or clean the bathroom?  Most of our expectations for this division of labor often come from our home life with our parents.  For example, my dad was always the one to grill food.  I just assumed food that was cooked outside would be the man's job.  While my husband has fulfilled that role with joy, I  know of other families in which the wife does all of the cooking, including any grilling.  Some of the first conflicts you will face will be in regard to unmet expectations.  Some of these expectations may change as life changes.  For example, early on in your marriage both husband and wife may be working outside of the home and thus share the household duties equally.  However, as they so decide, or as children come along, the wife may become a full-time keeper of her home.  This would shift more of the household duties to her as that becomes her primary focus.  Clear and constant communication is necessary as your relationship grows and changes.

Change is good.  Your marriage should not be the same twenty years later than it was on your wedding day.  Both parties should be growing and maturing and that should be reflected in their relationship.  Shared life experiences and continual intimacy bring you closer together and help you better know the person with whom you share your life.  As you face trials, joys, and change, continue to talk to each other.  Share your feelings.  Share your thoughts.  Push each other towards Christ.  Sometimes this means facing problems or sins we would rather avoid.  However, if we truly love someone, we will call out sinful behavior.  We will face difficulties and seek answers from God's Word and godly counsel.  While many people go to counseling prior to marriage, I would encourage you to continue counseling or mentorship with an older, godly couple in your church.  Let them guide you through the Word of God and their experience.  They can help you talk through issues and persevere through trials.  You will also have people there praying for you, your family, and your marriage every step of the way!

Give continual grace and forgiveness.  No matter how perfectly you understand God's design for marriage and the roles of husbands and wives, you are still a sinful human married to a sinful human.  You will not be able to perfectly live out your ideals, convictions, and expectations.  You will fall short of your own expectations, and your spouse will disappoint you as well.  When you are hurt by words or actions, let them know.  When you fail or hurt them, apologize.  When they apologize, extend forgiveness.  "Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." (Colossians 3:12‭-‬14)

No matter how prepared you feel on your wedding day, there are a lot of unknowns in those first few years.  There is still so much to learn about your spouse.  So many changes often take place, both personally and as a couple.  Communicate your expectations.  Express your feelings.  Extend grace when the other falls short.  Seek forgiveness when you sin against your spouse and be ready to extend forgiveness to them as well.  Seek the Lord continually.  Point each other to Christ and in so doing your relationship will point others to Christ as well.