Discipline

Parents often express the desire for their children to grow up with more than they had.  Parents who were raised with strict discipline often err on the side of less discipline or none at all.  With the rising number of people accepting subjective truth, fewer parents are disciplining their children.  Discipline is more than just punishment; it includes training and teaching.  Many older parents or grandparents I have met who have children or grandchildren who have strayed from the faith admit that they did little in instruction of the truth.  They may have attended church, but they didn’t spend time directly instructing their children in God’s word or directly teaching theology.  Ultimately, the Holy Spirit must convict people’s hearts, but parents are still responsible for training their children.  

Proverbs 13:22-24 says, “A good man leaves an inheritance for his children’s children, but the sinner’s wealth is laid up for the righteous.  The fallow ground of the poor would yield much food, but it is swept away through injustice.  Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.”  Again, in Proverbs 23:12-15 it says, “Apply your heart to instruction and your ear to words of knowledge.  Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die.  If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.  My son, if your heart is wise, my heart too will be glad.”  Hebrews 12:5-8 compares the discipline of the Lord to that of a father saying, “And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? ‘My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him.  For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.’  It is for discipline that you have to endure.  God is treating you as sons.  For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?  If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.”  Finally, in Ephesians 6:4 we are told, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”  We can see from these and other passages that God wants our children to be disciplined.  Parents are responsible to God for how they raise their children.  Children cannot raise themselves.  Parents may sound noble saying they are allowing children to choose their own path, religion, ideas, etc.  However, stepping back and allowing children to determine their path is not noble, it is lazy.  Children don’t know what they need.  They are born sinners with a heart that is wicked and deceitful.  If you allow children to follow their heart they will end up sick, poor, and miserable.  We are born totally depraved and will not choose good apart from the work for the Holy Spirit.  

The most important area to train your children is in the Word of God.  This involves more than just attending church.  Church, including Sunday School or other programs, is a helpful tool in teaching children, but that is not the main purpose of the Church.  We gather for corporate worship to worship God, receive instruction, and build up one another in good works.  We can support one another in raising our children, but the Church is not the primary source of instruction or discipline.  That duty is specifically given to fathers.  As mothers, we are to be the helpers of our husbands.  This means agreeing with him and helping him in the instruction of our children.  I strongly recommend using a catechism to teach basic theology to children.  In our family, we use the hymnal and catechism in conjunction with the reading of the Bible as part of our family worship.  While my husband leads family worship, I am the primary instructor in our homeschool.  We work on memory work (verses, songs, and catechism) during our school day.  That is one way I can support and help my husband in the instruction of our children.  The Memory Work Notebook includes verses, songs, the First Catechism (for younger ages), and the Westminster Shorter Catechism (for the older ages).  We use this as part of our homeschool time.  While our younger children are involved in a lot of rote memory, older kids can have deeper discussions regarding theology.  Ask them questions, and be open to their questions.  Don’t shy away from hard topics, especially in the teen years.  They will be searching for answers, and the world is ready with answers.  Be the one they go to for their answers, and direct them to the Word of God.  Show them that all of life and faith can be built upon the teachings of Scripture.  Teach them to detect the lies of this world and their false promises.  If you are not actively teaching your child the truth, the lies will overwhelm them.

While the spiritual well-being of our children is of utmost importance, there are other ways in which our children must be disciplined and instructed.  We have chosen to homeschool as the best decision for the instruction of our children in basic life skills, subject matter, and other such learning.  If your family chooses to send your children to a school, be sure you know exactly what is taught in that school.  You need to make sure what your children are being taught aligns with the values and beliefs of your family.  Public schools are not teaching Biblical values, morals, or worldviews.  In fact, they are teaching ideas that are actively opposed to the Word of God.  Christian schools are not always a better option.  Continual instruction from that school will outpace once a week in Sunday School.  The theology of that school will quickly become the theology of your children unless they are instructed otherwise.  It can often be confusing to hear one thing all week and then something different on Sunday mornings.  If there is not a local Christian school that aligns with your beliefs, homeschooling is a much better option.  Children in a school setting are with those people for over 40 hours a week.  You need to know what influence they are having on your children.  This is one of the reasons we have chosen to homeschool.  Not only do we want that time with our children, but it also allows us to be sure of what our children are being taught.  You can read more about my case for homeschooling here.

Children also need to be taught to be productive members of society.  They should not be consumers in your home.  At almost every age, there is something that your children can do to contribute to the economy of the household.  They can start by learning to pick up their toys.  They may continue by learning to wipe down a table or sweep a floor.  These may not be done to the level of cleanliness that you would like, but it is better to allow the 2-year-old to sweep and then sweep again during nap time than to not teach them to sweep.  They can also learn to take pride in their work.  Do not offer undo praise, but do praise them when they do well, or better than previously.  Do not lower your standards, but encourage them to keep making their work better and praise progress.  They may make more of a mess helping you cook than they are a help, but they are enjoying their time with you, learning to do things for others, and basics of cooking.  Let them make mistakes in the safety of your home.  An eggshell, spilled milk, or salty soup is easily remedied.  Allowing them to fail and learn from that failure in the safety of the home helps to prepare them to make bigger decisions as adults.  Be there to guide and help them, but allow them to face the consequences of the choices they make.  As soon as they are old enough, they should find employment outside of the home.  Not only will it help them to understand how to interview and work for someone other than their parents, but it will also provide them with an income in which they can learn money management skills.  I believe it is a reasonable expectation for children to pay for their vehicles, insurance, and higher education.  It is also essential for them to learn basic life skills so they can live on their own.  All children need to learn the essentials of cooking, cleaning, and maintenance.  They should be ready and able to not only care for themself but also raise their own family after they leave your home.  

When your children are productive, they are contributing to the economy of the family.  The mother isn’t a servant and chauffeur but a facilitator of life learning.  Children are able to help with the cleaning and maintenance of the home as well as learning essential skills to continue living on their own.  This not only prepares them for adulthood but also teaches them to glorify God in all they do.  They can take pride in their accomplishments because it is something they worked hard to do.  At times, it can feel like motherhood is a time of endless, thankless work.  When your children are contributing members of the home, it not only makes you proud to see them learn and grow, but it also takes some of the work off of your shoulders.  When an older child is responsible for washing dishes or making lunch, it provides you with more time to read with younger children or teach them how to clean up their toys.  Have high expectations for your children and stand in awe as they exceed those expectations.

      Children crave structure and discipline.  While they would never tell you that out loud, it brings them comfort.  Children who are not disciplined often feel unloved or unsafe.  The structure of the home allows them to know their boundaries.  It provides a safety net for failure and success.  Parents who are consistent in their discipline will have children who are never in doubt about what is expected.  They will never have to guess if what they are doing will result in positive or negative consequences.  They will also face the natural consequences of their actions, allowing them to learn and grow into better, more productive members of society.  If you don’t teach your child, the world will.  Make sure your children are properly armed! “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.” (Ephesians 6:10-18a)