R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

April is the month in which my husband and I celebrate our anniversary.  Our church also hosted a marriage conference this month.  Both of these have me pondering my role as a wife and areas I can improve.  Respect is definitely an area where I am under construction.  As the Apostle Paul finishes his admonition to husbands and wives, he tells them, "However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." (Ephesians 5:33)  His main emphasis for husbands is that they love their wives.  Wives, however, are given a different emphasis; they are told to respect their husband.  As catchy as the song is sung by Aretha Franklin, wives are not owed the respect of their husband.  Husbands are, however, owed the respect of their wives.  What this looks like in your home and marriage will vary from family to family, but it is a necessary part of marriage for everyone.  

Women are quick to point out how husbands should love their wives.  Women expect grand expressions of love regardless of how they feel, act, or respond to their husband.  I agree that husbands should love their wives unconditionally.  Whilst this is true, we need to stop and think about the opposite role.  Wives are to respect their husbands.  This is regardless of his love for her or how he fulfills his role as her husband.  The command to submit is not based on a husband's worthiness or leadership ability.  The husband is placed in a lead position in the family, and his wife should submit to that position.  In the same way, the call to respect is not based on his respectability.  Wives are to fulfill their role and responsibilities whether or not their husband does the same.  A woman needs to enter marriage planning on respecting her husband and submitting to his leadership.   Coming into a marriage with that mindset will make a huge difference in your interactions with your husband.  Ideally, your husband should be a man worthy of your respect.

I have struggled with exactly what that respect looks like.  Men and women have different perceptions of the same thing.  They also have different needs.  As I have reflected on respect, I realized that while it may be an inward reality, I don't often express my respect for my husband.  He is not a mind reader.  I may be super proud of how he steps up at work to get something done that no one else could do, but if I don't tell him that then how would he know?  I need to make a more pointed effort to express my pride in his work, my love of the way he takes the lead, and my respect for his decisions that have great outcomes, especially if it was something to which I was initially opposed.  I am a competitive person.  Sometimes my drive to be right undermines my desire to be submissive.  I argue my point simply because I do not want to be wrong.  However, I also need to be just as quick to admit when I am wrong.  I need to acknowledge his leadership and wise decision-making.  I also need to trust him more initially rather than questioning all the time.

Each man is similar in their need to hear a verbal affirmation of their wife's respect for them.  Tell your husband when you are proud of him.  Express your joy at a job well done, a thoughtful gift you didn't have to ask for, or some other expression of love, leadership, and/or provision for you.  Acknowledge his efforts to love you well.  Thank him for his hard work and provisions for your family.  Some men may appreciate having certain tasks done around the house when they arrive home.  If that is your husband, make every effort to do so.  Maybe having a hot meal ready when he gets home from work is the greatest expression of respect you can show for him.  Some husbands may appreciate overhearing your praise for them publicly, while others would appreciate not having attention drawn to him. A simple way to show respect when you are talking to others to avoid running him down in any way.  You do not have to lie, but always seek to build him up before others.  Know your own husband and seek to show respect in a way that honors him and his preferences.

Respect is something that is often equated with being earned.  While husbands can earn respect, or wives may grow in their respect for their husbands, it is a requirement in marriage regardless of what is deserved.  If you are not yet married, look for a spouse that is respectable.  If you are already married, seek ways to express your respect for your husband.  Look at all he does to provide for you and your family.  Thank him for his work.  Praise his accomplishments.  Live with him in a way that shows you both know and respect him.  In so doing, you are obeying God and fulfilling your role as a godly wife.