May 13, 2022
Mothers care for their children before they even know they exist. Before a mother knows she is carrying a child, her body is already providing the nutrients a baby needs to grow and develop. Mothers love and care for their children their entire lives. This care may look different at different ages and stages, but it is there. However, as mothers age, they may need more care from their children. Part of honoring our parents is caring for them in their old age. I would argue this goes beyond simply putting them in a nursing home. While nursing homes or nursing care are sometimes necessary due to physical needs, they are a supplement and do not replace the care of children.
I have a family that provided amazing examples of caring for parents as they age. I remember as a little girl going to visit my grandparents and my great-grandma lived there too. She had her own little bedroom suite, and we would go to her sitting room to play card games with her. Eventually, she needed someone with her all day, and my mom would bring my little brother over "for lunch" every day to help take care of her while my grandparents were at work and we were at school. She lived with them even when her mind betrayed her and she couldn't remember who we were. Both of my grandfathers died before their wives. This left their wives as widows, but not alone. My uncle lived with my dad's mom for the remainder of her life. While she saw it as him living with her and her taking care of him, he made sure bills were paid and she had the medical care and prescriptions needed for her various medical conditions. My aunt helped her with her diet and healthy ways to manage her diabetes. When her time got short, our whole family gathered around her, sharing one last Thanksgiving dinner even while she was in the hospital. There was no doubt she was loved and cared for by her family to the day that she died. Since my mother's father passed away, my grandmother's memory seems to be slipping. My aunt has always been near, helping with the care of her father in his last days. Now she is living with my grandma to make sure she is cared for continually. Her other siblings are helping as well, including having my grandma stay with them for the summer. Even though they live in three different states, they are working together to make sure their mom is taken care of. It is not only my family. I know of other families that have bought a house with an in-law apartment for the express purpose of having room for their aging parents.
I have also seen negative examples where children leave their parents on their own as they age. There may be many reasons for this including distance and broken relationships; however, it is always sad to see when people don't even attempt to mend that relationship. We had an elderly neighbor who lived in an upstairs apartment. Our family got to know her as my brother would help her get her groceries up the stairs and would take out her garbage. Eventually, she got to the point where she couldn't walk much at all and she moved to a state-run nursing facility attached to a hospital. While the staff was kind and friendly, they did not really have time to sit and visit with residents. One nurse often has responsibility for a whole floor of patients. Also, if you've ever eaten public school or hospital food, you know the menu wasn't gourmet. Members of my family were pretty much her only visitors. She had a daughter who eventually came around when her days were getting short. However, she was fine with my mom as power of attorney and taking care of all the legal paperwork and such. My daughter was very young when she passed away, but I still remember how excited she would get to see her come to visit. Most of the time she was alone. No phone calls, no visitors, and all of her social security money went to pay for her living expenses. She looked forward to her weekly visit with my mom who would bring her a little plant, holiday decor, or some extra money for a hair appointment. While some may say she had done it to herself in not repairing her relationship with her family, it is sad to see anyone alone at the end of their life. We were made for community, and that includes people of all ages and stages of life. There are so many things younger generations can learn from those older than us. Even as a young child, I was impacted not only by what I could learn from older people, but also by the care I saw given to them by their families.
Caring for our family as they age is part of what it means to grow older. Our relationships change and shift so that the mother who cared for you is in your care. In the same way, the children I have now will one day be responsible for my care. This is how we can honor them when they are old. In 1 Timothy 5:3-4 Paul says, "Honor widows who are truly widows. But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God." In this, we see that the primary responsibility for a widow's care is with her family. The Church is to care for the widows left without family to care for them because it is assumed that those with children or grandchildren will be taken care of by them. Sometimes men are left as widowers, but often women are the ones left behind when their husband dies. Jesus condemns those who do not care for their parents in their old age in Mark 7:9-13 which says, "And he said to them, “You have a fine way of rejecting the commandment of God in order to establish your tradition! For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; and, ‘Whoever reviles father or mother must surely die.’ But you say, ‘If a man tells his father or his mother, “Whatever you would have gained from me is Corban”’ (that is, given to God)— then you no longer permit him to do anything for his father or mother, thus making void the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And many such things you do.” People were giving money to the synagogue that they would have spent on the care of their parents, thus making them unable to help. While it is good to give, it should not be done at the expense of caring for our family, including aging parents.
Are you actively working toward caring for your parents when needed? Some people do not need assistance. Some remain healthy for years. However, we should always be ready and willing to help in whatever ways we are able. I believe we should be planning and working toward the goal of caring for our parents so that when the need arises, we have the means necessary to help. This may require buying a bigger house or property to provide room for them. This may mean putting an addition on your current house, or children sharing rooms so there is a room for your parents. It may not be that drastic. It may just mean regular conversations with your mom. Call and talk to her. If your relationship is not ideal, all the more reason, as much as it depends on you, to call and try to mend that relationship. It always seems like there is plenty of time until that time is gone.