No Shame

The kids are finally in bed and you just want to relax for a minute.  It seems you are going non-stop from sunup until sundown, or beyond.  This fatigue is compounded by the mental energy required to keep up with everyone on just a few hours of sleep.  As an added bonus, you are now able to change wet sheets in the middle of the night while half asleep.  As the day wears to an end, you take some time to scroll through your phone.  You hop on social media and find gardeners who produce enough to last them 3 years, which they preserve in cans.  They know all the tips and tricks for growing food, keeping bugs away, companion planting, regenerating the soil, and rotating their crops.  Along with all that, they are raising several types of livestock and free-ranging poultry.  They collect eggs, compost, and milk every morning and evening.  They are canning shelf-stable butter, tomatoes, pickles, and whatever else they have in surplus.  They are homeschooling their dozen kids while making three full home-cooked meals a day as well as homemade bread, rolls, bagels, muffins, and biscuits.  This mindless exercise has not served to relax you, it has served as a harsh comparison to the cereal and sandwiches on store-bought bread you served for breakfast and lunch.  You realize while they were doing all of the homesteading things and educating their free-range children, you barely had time to get a load of laundry and dishes done while reading a single book to your kids.  Your house isn't clean, your food isn't all homemade, and you are doing your best with homeschooling but are learning what you're teaching a week ahead of your high schooler.  While these social media accounts aren't intentionally shaming you, you compare yourself and feel you don't measure up.  This has been me more times than I care to admit.  I often get downhearted about how little I have accomplished in a day.  We are not made to compare and complete.  We were made for a community that teaches and encourages one another.  Even accounts intended for encouragement can be discouraging when we start comparing.

The world has changed drastically in the past 100 years.  Everyone used to live in a much smaller world.  The Internet gives us access, glimpses, and information from all over the world on any given day.  We can keep in touch with those who have moved far away.  While it is a blessing to be in contact, it increases the number of people for whom we are concerned.  We bear the weight of more success, more failure, more pain, and more conflict than ever before.  There is nothing wrong with shrinking your world.  In fact, I would encourage it!  Take a break from social media, or set a limit.  Spend more time with your kids and less time watching others on your phone.  When you look at social media or videos on the Internet, take them for what they are…created content.  Most people either genuinely wish to share something they have learned or they are getting paid to share whatever they are doing.  Many have numerous people behind the scenes filming, editing, uploading, cleaning, and helping around their house.  They have nannies, tutors, and cleaners that help them get everything done in a week.  Enjoy the talents of others, learn from what they have to share, and be happy with what you are able to do in your own home.  It seems you can learn anything.  However, it is also acceptable to stay away from it altogether and just enjoy being in the present.  

I have had to place limits on myself.  I found myself becoming discouraged and giving up rather than working harder to achieve that which I aspired to do.  I had to start saying no to some things.  I had to set some boundaries for myself to help me stay focused on what was most important.  I had to be more intentional about spending time with the Lord.  My relationship with Him is of the highest importance.  I can be a better wife and mother when I am right with the Lord and trusting in His sovereign will.  I also had to set some boundaries for myself.  

  One way I created some boundaries was to set "office hours".  I use this time primarily for work with the non-profit that we have started.   I am still pumping for my infant, so that gives me plenty of sitting time.  I try to use those times for work that requires sitting.  I answer emails, file paperwork, create social media content, schedule appointments, lesson plan, and care for other such tasks while I am pumping.  That frees up my other time for household tasks, homeschooling, appointments, errands, and enjoying free time with my family.  I have also tried to set aside time specifically for one particular child each week.  I have a day when the focus is on working with my daughter.  She started high school this year.  While she can do a lot of self-directed learning, we set aside specific times when we can work together or I can answer questions.  I am also taking a sign language course with her this year so we can learn that together.  My oldest son is at the age where he wants all of mommy’s attention.  While he cannot have all of my time and attention, I do set aside specific times and activities for him each week.  I try to intentionally make these times about him, and I try to give him more undivided attention.  We have so many appointments for the baby right now that most of his one-on-one time with him involves doctor’s appointments and therapy.  It is important to clean and care for my home, but my children’s time and development form a more pressing need.  I only have them with me for so long.  Sometimes my house isn’t as clean as it could be in favor of some time reading together or a dance party.  

While my children are important, my husband is more important.  It is easy to take him for granted or neglect time with him because the kids are louder about their needs.  When I have a new baby, I can definitely get lost in the care of the baby and leave others feeling neglected.  While I have limited time with my kids, they will eventually leave the house.  When they do, I will still have my husband.  I have to continue cultivating my relationship with my husband.  For us, this includes a monthly date night.  I also try to be intentional about scheduling time for just the two of us or a day just for family.  It may sound silly, but I schedule an unscheduled time.  I intentionally keep one day with nothing scheduled to have a much-needed break.

When I added intentional time with the Lord and with my family, I also had to take away from other less important things.   I had to decrease my writing time and limit myself to one post per month, rather than the weekly posting I was doing.  Rather than posting daily on social media, I now try to limit myself to just a few times a week. I try to be intentional about setting my phone aside when I am doing things with my kids.  I remind myself that people can leave me a message.  Text messages or emails can be responded to at a more convenient time.  I do not have to be available to everyone at all times.  It’s okay to make people wait for a response.  Everyone has to determine what is most important and limit those things that are not necessary.

Do you compare your housekeeping, parenting style, or other aspects of your life to those of content creators on social media?  Do you find yourself discontent with the life with which you have been blessed?  Do you feel overwhelmed by the evil in this world and the atrocities that are being committed across the globe?  Take some time to unplug, disconnect, and slow down.  Set some healthy boundaries in regard to social media, phone use, and news consumption.  Shrink your world to your family, church, and local community.  Focus on what is most important and then fill in from there.  Become content with saying no to activities that may not be bad, but which are not necessary or would overwhelm your schedule.  Take a deep breath.  There is no shame in saying no.