Maintaining Healthy Friendships

Sometimes I need to write things more as a reminder to myself than anything else.  Healthy friendships is an area where I have always struggled.  I have some great friends, but I am also a people pleaser who always wants to help others and fix problems.  On the surface, these sound like great attributes; however, without proper boundaries, these can get out of control leaving me anxious, overextended, and exhausted.  There have been several things I have learned over the years that have helped me set and maintain boundaries that allow me to be a good friend without sacrificing my own sanity.

Not everyone who is friendly is your friend.  There are people who act friendly, who seem like friends, but in actuality are just using you for their gain.  Some people are constantly in need of help with daily living activities.  They may seem to be a friend, but eventually, you will realize that they are always asking for help from you, taking your time, energy, resources, and help without ever giving anything in return.  Some don't even remember to thank you for your help!  These people are not friends, just as a leech stuck to your leg is not a pet.  There are others who seem to be more giving.  Maybe they invite you to their house regularly, help you and advise you through tough decisions, and seem to be giving of themselves.  However, once your circumstances change, they are gone.  These people were not friends.  They were looking for someone to control or someone they could live through vicariously.  They were only helpful as long as you followed what they wanted to do and took their advice.  Once you no longer followed their plan, the friendship seemed to evaporate.  Be cautious and evaluate your friendships regularly to ensure you do not have false friends.  They can be very difficult to spot.  Sometimes they do not even realize they are being manipulative or using you in any way.  They truly think they are good friends.  Sometimes it takes time to reveal true friends and false behavior.  If one of these friends leaves because you are not "helping or caring enough" or if "you no longer see eye to eye," know that they were probably a false friend from the beginning.  Invest your time on true friends who don't keep accounts, but serve you generously and allow you to serve them.  Put your time into helping those who will stick with you through the various changes life brings your way.

Know that relationships change over time.   A person I consider one of my best, long-time friends no longer lives near me.  In fact, it would take a whole day for one of us to drive to the other's house. I met her when I was almost 13.  We lived in the same neighborhood, went to the same church, and our parents were good friends that got together regularly.  We spent a great deal of time with one another.  She introduced me to the bazaar habit of the midnight snack and rare pets like hedgehogs and pacu.  I challenged her theology and helped her with final projects the night before they were due.  As she went to college before me, and then graduated shortly after I arrived, we had times of distance.  We were in different phases of life and focused on different things.  She was there at my wedding even though she warned me not to marry him and did not like my decision to go through with it.  Not only there, but helped with the reception and made sure everything went smoothly.  Shortly after that I moved to another state, she faced some family turmoil, and we lost touch.  It was years before we reconnected, but it was like no time had passed at all.  She was there for me when I moved back home as a single mom, broken and devastated by divorce.  She did not shun me or lecture me, she didn't say "I told you so." (Well, she did, but much later when I had had time to heal and we could laugh about it together.)  She invited me to go to the movies with her, and she included me in her new circle of friends.  When I moved out of state again, we stayed in touch this time, but our friendship has grown more distant.  We can talk to each other anytime, about anything, but we know that we don't always agree.  We know that we can disagree and still be friends.  She made the trip down to be at my wedding (approving of the groom this time) and she was the only one I "had to see" when we were back in my hometown.  We have both been through a lot since we met.  We have changed as people, and our relationship with each other has changed too.  You can keep friends for a lifetime if you embrace the changes that come with moving, marriage, children, heartbreak, and growing older.  Accept that you will never have the same relationship you started with, but that it can be just as good, or better.

Finally, remember that God is in control, not you.  Sometimes He removes people from our lives.  Sometimes a friend he has blessed us with is only with us for a short period of time.  We cannot help, change, or fix everything.  Sometimes, for the ministry God has called them to to flourish, they must leave you behind.  Sometimes God calls them home, and they leave you with the hope of heaven and longing for your eternal home.  Other friends go down a path that you cannot understand or follow.  You cannot pull them back, or help them find their way.  You can pray for them, let them know you are there, and trust them to the help of professionals and the grace of God.  Rejoice and pray for those who leave behind friends and family to serve the Lord.  Mourn the loss of those who go before you with the hope of Christ's return and our eternal home in heaven.  Trust that God is in control when things seem out of control.  Know that He can help when you cannot.  Do not blame yourself for a struggle someone else is facing.  Do not serve or help others at the expense of yourself or your family.  Be willing to let people go, but also be ready to welcome them back, should the occasion arise.  

Our lives were designed to live in community.  Our friends have been given to us to help us grow and glorify God.  It is important to maintain boundaries and hold our friends loosely.  Know that seasons of life change, and often that means our circle of friends changes as well.  It is okay to say goodbye, sometimes it is only for a little while.  It is okay not to have all the answers or to be unable to help.  It is okay to walk away.  At the same time, we must be ready to welcome new friends and be ready to help them in whatever way we can.  Embrace our friends as the community God has given us.  Encourage and edify them.  Ask questions and wrestle over difficult topics and differences of opinions.  Have fun, enjoy life, and point each other to Christ.