Postpartum Grace

Postpartum is a weird time.  Women’s bodies were designed to grow and change with their babies.  These changes continue even after the babies are born.  God created moms in such a way that we would nurture and care for our babies while they are in our wombs, but also while they are growing and developing outside of our wombs.  The article Mapping the effects of pregnancy on resting state brain activity, white matter microstructure, neural metabolite concentrations and grey matter architecture, published in Nature Communications on November 22, 2022 states, “Practically all bodily systems are affected during pregnancy, involving long-lasting changes in a woman’s physiology that remain for decades after giving birth.”  Science confirms what moms have known for centuries, our babies change us forever.  It doesn’t matter if you have been a mom for years or just looked at your first positive pregnancy test today, that baby has changed you.  Give yourself some grace, and be willing to accept it from others.  It is a time of adjustment, and growth.  Embrace the change.

Once a baby is born, the mom needs some time to adjust.  This is a time when moms need help and support from their community of family and friends.  Adjustments to a new baby are difficult, and adjustments to a new body are difficult as well.  If there are other children in the household, there are also adjustments to a new family dynamic.  No matter how much you have prepared before delivery, it can be overwhelming.  The beauty of the Church is that you don’t have to be alone!  Unlike the culture around us, the Church is designed to come alongside families with new babies to help and support them.  One of the ways older women can help teach younger women is through support and help in these postpartum days.  While meals are nice, and necessary, when a new baby is born, moms also need help with cleaning their house, caring for other children, or just a friend with whom to talk.  This postpartum period of adjustment is often longer than the six to twelve weeks usually allotted for maternity leave in the USA.  Sometimes the most challenging time is just after this point when the meals and visits and novelty of a new baby have worn off.  I have not personally fought postpartum depression.  I have definitely had some moments of anxiety, but nothing debilitating or severe.  I have, however, realized that depression is not the only issue women face postpartum.  Each of my pregnancies, deliveries, and babies have been different.  Each time, postpartum, I faced a different struggle.  Each baby has pointed me to Jesus in a new way.  I have learned again and again that I am not the one in control.  I do not understand the mind of God, but He gives me grace and helps me along the path that He has chosen for me.

My first baby came and made me doubt why anyone ever said that having a baby was difficult.  She had some initial struggles breathing when she was born, but she got the hang of that quickly and all was well.  I was living my best life as a stay-at-home mom taking care of my precious, easy, baby girl.  She had no difficulties nursing.  She started sleeping at least eight hours every night at just over a month old.  She napped regularly (and continued to take long naps until five years old).  I was able to get so much done while she was sleeping, and sometimes I got in a good nap as well.  God is in control, and He knew my life was about to go crazy.  I needed an easy baby as I faced struggles with a husband’s infidelity, divorce, moving across the country, going back to work, going back to school, and facing life as a single parent.  Looking back, I can see how God’s grace worked in and through me to bring me to where I am today.  I was very judgmental and self-righteous in my teen and early adult years.  I then came up against every judgment I had ever made, one after another, and did many things I said I would never do.  This girl who said she would never get divorced, leave her children to work outside the home, or send her children to public school ended up doing all three.  God continued to show me that my job as a mother is to teach my children about Him; I am to point them to Christ.  If I am doing that to the best of my ability, then the rest really doesn’t matter.  I am not earning extra points by sending my kids to a Christian school.  I am not a more holy mom because I stay home with my kids rather than go somewhere to work each day.  God used my firstborn to tear down my preconceptions and to realize that I am saved by God’s grace alone, not by any works that I have done or will do.

My second child’s birth was much more difficult.  After a long labor, it was determined that he was coming face first.  Not only did it seem impossible for him to fit through that way, but it was also likely to break his neck.  I had to face something else I never wanted to do; I had a c-section to safely deliver my baby.  He was very different from his sister.  He did not nurse or sleep well.  He demanded much more of my time and effort just to feed and care for him.  On top of the physical demands of healing from surgery and caring for a newborn, I also went back to work virtually and had an older child trying to learn virtually.  Like most, we had a bit of a struggle with the changes that came with virtual learning in 2020.   I was thankful that I could go back to work virtually, so I was able to be home with my baby, but it was difficult working while caring for a newborn.  I was very thankful for the advanced phone technology that allowed me to communicate and check student work via my phone rather than needing to be at a computer the whole time.  I got very used to staying home, and that made going anywhere more of a source of anxiety for me.  I didn’t want to leave my home, and I didn’t want to leave my baby with anyone else.  I had to learn to rely on the help of others.  My mom stayed with us and was able to help, and I also had my amazing husband there to care for me.  He has been very patient and understanding.  He may not completely understand me (which I often don’t even understand myself), but he understands that I am going through changes and hormones are making me into someone I don’t really know.  My husband showed me grace as I learned to trust him, rely on him, and know that he would stay with us.  My husband was a picture of Christ’s faithfulness and love for me.  It was not something I earned, it was graciously given because I was His.  

Just when I thought I really understood, everything shifted again.  I thought I had removed all of my judgments and anxieties.  I thought that various trials had put me through the flame and purified my life.  I was sure I understood God better and loved Him more than I had thirty years ago.  God showed me that there is always more to learn.  There is always more to be refined.  My third baby came with a toss of my plans out the window.  There was no VBAC, no quick trip home after delivery, no ability to nurse at all, and no way to continue with our lives as “normal”.  We came home three weeks after he was born with medical equipment, applications for services to fill out, multiple doctors’ appointments, bills coming in from every direction, and a baby that I still feel like I am just getting to know.  I learned that God’s sovereign plan is often unpredictable, confusing, and difficult.  I also learned that God gave the church so that you do not walk the path alone.  I sit here almost four months later with a Church still helping us, supporting us, and praying for our son’s health.  I always knew the Church was a place of close friends and community.  I always knew that God wanted believers to gather in corporate worship.  After my son’s birth, I experienced the grace of God through the Church and came to understand why we are to gather together.  We had done nothing to earn special favors from anyone in the Church.  Yet they care for us, they minister to us, and they pray for us.  

If you, like me, have just had a baby, be willing to accept the help, love, and support of your church.  Clearly express your needs and willingly receive the ministry of others.  If there is someone in your church having a baby, seek out ways to help and support them.  Ask them about specific needs.  Continue to offer assistance and help beyond those first few weeks.  Be a listening ear and gather together with others to offer help and encouragement.  When the Church functions as it should, women are better equipt to fulfill their role as wives and mothers.  They are encouraged, strengthened, equipt, and dare I say, empowered, to minister to their family in the role to which God has called them.