Let's Talk About Sex

        Those raised on Sunday School Stories consisting only of creation, heroes of the faith, and the life of Christ may be shocked to learn that God has a lot to say about sex.  God created people, including all of their hormones and drives; however, our sinful human nature has perverted that which God declared to be very good.  I’m not going to address all of the various perversions out there, let's just sum it up as any sexual relationship outside of Biblical marriage.  Unfortunately, I have seen much of that creeping into the Church to the point where sin is celebrated by many who claim the name of Christ.  The church tends to swing to extremes.  Some don’t say anything and treat the word sex as a word that should not be spoken much less talked about.  They raise their kids to “just say no” without teaching them about God’s design and plan.  There is another extreme that follows the culture that equates sex with love and just says “love is love” and lets everyone do what they want.  We have women who have embraced homemaking and submission to the point of extreme where they have no say over their bodies and are abused or hurt in the name of pleasing their husbands with little to no thought of their health or well-being.  Others leverage sex as something their husband needs to earn after he has jumped through the hoops or completed the tasks she has set before him.  None of these are healthy sexual relationships nor are they marriages that picture Christ and the Church God ordained marriage to be.  

At creation, God created two distinct, complementary people.  Genesis 1:27 tells us, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”  In Genesis 2:18-25 we see that God created man first, and then created “a helper fit for him.”  When she was presented to the man, he celebrated her and gave her a name saying “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”  God goes on to establish the marriage relationship saying, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”  Men and women are different.  They were intentionally designed that way.  They were designed for different roles within the family structure.  I also want to clarify that marriage is only for one man and one woman.  These lines have been blurred in our culture, but the Bible is clear.  Any relationship outside of one man and one woman joined for life in a covenant before God is not a marriage.  Throughout the book of Genesis, we will see problems caused by people who do not follow God’s plan and engage in sexual perversion.  It is important to maintain a firm stance on marriage as Paul reiterates the above passage in Genesis and tells us, “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” (Ephesians 5:23)  When we allow anything other than a sacred covenant before God between one man and one woman to be called marriage we pervert the gospel and the picture of Christ and the Church.  

Paul goes on to provide explicit instructions for husbands and wives.  In Ephesians 5 and Colossians 3, he tells us that wives are to submit to their husbands and husbands are to love their wives.  In Ephesians 5 he also talks about wives respecting their husbands.  Wives are further instructed in Titus 2 to be submissive so “the word of God may not be reviled.”  Submission is an important part of the marriage relationship.  As with most things, it gets messy if there is more than one leader.  God designed the family to follow the lead of the husband.  While wives are to submit, it is for their good and should not cause them harm.  Just as wives are called to submit, husbands are called to love their wives and care for them as their own bodies.  Ephesians 5:28-30 tells us, “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.”  Peter also addresses the marriage relationship and the submission of wives in 1 Peter 3:1-6 but continues in verse 7 to say, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”  So, while wives are to submit, there is, what I would argue, a greater responsibility on husbands to love their wives sacrificially.  Paul addresses sex in marriage specifically in 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 saying, “Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: ‘It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.’  But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.  The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.  For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does.  Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.  Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”  We see here that sex is to be confined to a marriage relationship.  Paul is urging them to marry to avoid sexual immorality.  In the same way, rather than teaching kids to wait until they do x, y, or z first, we should be encouraging them to marry young and avoid sexual immorality!  We also see in this passage that a husband and wife belong to one another.  There should be no rejection in marriage.  There are no requirements that the other has to meet to earn sex - marriage is the only requirement.  Therefore, wives need to stop giving excuses (sex can actually make your headache go away), leverage sex in exchange for a “honey-do list” (it’s not for sale), and enjoy the intimacy that God has ordained in marriage.  In the same way, there are times when husbands and wives can agree to abstain.  Paul is specifically, in the above passage, referring to times that they devote to prayer.  To focus on God, they mutually agree to abstain for a set amount of time.  Once that time is complete, they are to come together again.  There are also times when health issues prevent sex for a time.  This is true after the birth of a baby when a woman’s body needs time to heal and doctors recommend waiting until she is healed enough for sex.  This time differs for every woman and depends greatly on the amount of trauma associated with the birth.  However, just as Paul outlines when abstaining for the purpose of prayer, any such time should be limited.  Eventually, when all is well, the husband and wife should resume regular sexual relations.  

Sometimes you don’t feel like having sex; do it anyway.  There are numerous reasons why this may happen.  Sometimes there are physiological reasons, such as a change in hormones following the birth of a baby.  When there is a new baby, hormones change, there are long nights of feeding a baby, and many other demands on a wife’s time that can contribute to her lack of desire.  However, she must be open and willing to have sex with her husband even if she “doesn’t feel like it.”  This is part of giving conjugal rights, as Paul spoke of in 1 Corinthians.  Sometimes there is a disagreement or argument that gets between the two of you.  These are times when communication becomes key.  You need to continue to work out your disagreements.  One great way to do that is to continue having sex.  Don’t stop just because you’ve had a fight.  In fact, I would argue that is all the more reason to have sex and build intimacy.  It’s a great reminder that you are on the “same team”.  The longer you wait to have sex the more distant you will grow.  Don’t allow something to come between you.  Have you “lost that loving feeling”?  It’s not about your feelings.  Love is a decision.  It is a choice you make each and every day.  Wake up each morning choosing to love your husband.  Make the choice to submit to his authority, follow his lead, and love him the way he desires to be loved.  As you continue to talk to one another and have sex with one another you will build a strong and lasting relationship.  Feelings come and go, mostly driven by hormones and our sinful nature.  Do not follow your feelings.  As we are told in Jeremiah 17:9, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?”  Our heart, our emotions, will mislead us.  We need to follow God’s word and be faithful to the covenant we have made.  Everyone I have talked to with long-lasting marriages says the same thing, keep clear and constant communication and have sex regularly.  

Sex is designed to bring intimacy to marriage.  Anything outside of that covenant relationship is a perversion of God’s design.  My advice to young women, don’t wait “until you are ready” (i.e. financially settled, bought a house, established a career, etc.) to get married and have kids.  Get married young and have lots of babies…you are never “ready”.  Put God first in everything.  Let everything you do be for His glory.  Love God more than anyone else, even your husband.  Decide every day to love your husband more than anyone else on earth (including your kids).  Submit to his authority and leadership of your home.  Seek to help him and be someone he trusts in whom to confide.  Be his top advisor, cheerleader, supporter, helper, and friend.  View your kids as God does, a blessing.  They are not consumers to suck you dry.  Do not give in to their every whim and demand on your time and resources.  Let them be as productive and helpful as can at whatever age and stage they are at.  Blessed is the momma whose home is full and productive.  You will never regret the time spent with your family.  Take that vacation (even if it’s not big and fancy).  Stay home with your kids, if you are able.  Homeschool them if at all possible.  Do all you can to put in the most time you can while you can!  Don’t wait to cultivate the relationship with your husband when the kids are gone.  That will be too late.  Spend time with your husband.  Have sex often.  Do what you can to grow and thrive together.  Have regular date nights.  Take a trip (even only one night) just the two of you.  Attend marriage conferences or counseling from time to time.  Follow what God says about sex, marriage, and parenthood.  The world’s advice and answers are cheap counterfeits that will leave you empty.  God’s way is the best way.